Unsent Letters
by SakuraIro25
Summary: SS, introspection (updated!)
1. Dear Subaru

**Series:** Tokyo Babylon (still my current obsession)   
**Rating:** PG-ish   
**Date: **11/11/03  
**Warnings:** evil stream of consciousness, point of view, Seishirou rambling and he's not sure why, discontinuities.   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own any part of Tokyo Babylon, and that includes Seishirou's sanity... if I owned it, I'd try to fix it.   
**Notes:** These are _*UNSENT*_ letters. But it'd be amusing if they did accidentally fall into the wrong hands... One line stolen from the OST track "Yuuzai". I've got it on loop along with "Blue Desert", which I stole from CLAMP, 'cuz it was their tankubon seven muse. Writing Seishirou's mind is always difficult, because he's such a jerk, deep down, and I refuse to believe it... It's hard for me to slip into that mindset. Anyway, here we go.   
  
  
  
  
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Dear Subaru-kun,   
  
I might as well begin with the trite opening for a letter, asking about your health and so forth. You know I'm not one to neglect proper style.   
  
How have you been? I expect you're still as cute as ever. How has the clan leadership role worked out for you? I never could picture you as the leader of anything, but don't let that lead you to believe I don't have confidence in your abilities. In fast, with a little _less_ stringent self-discipline, your jitsu would surely rival mine. Hokuto always knew that, she was a clever sister. Very clever.   
  
One might find it interesting that my daily routine has changed -- quite a bit -- since two years ago. Perhaps it's needless to say, but I'm no longer a veterinarian at the clinic (my clients were less than pleased at my performance). And it was pointless to continue the practice. It was just a tool, if a fun diversion for a few years… You thought it was wonderful, and it served me as a useful buffer, but that's all it ever was.   
  
So what am I doing now these days? You could say I've begin to focus more on my… primary vocation. It pays well, and the hours are attractively flexible. As far as benefits are concerned, they could be better, but I don't need health insurance. Pension and life insurance are a laughable concept, so I guess I can't complain.   
  
An assassin with my abilities doesn't think in terms of failure.   
  
Really, I never expected to fail at anything.   
  
Was that why I made the bet with you? I wonder if I'd made it expecting to win, or in hopes to lose… I have to admit that I'm not sure, myself, who the winners and losers were, all said and done. Confusion doesn't suit me.   
  
When I saw you for the first time, and you cried over the pain you honestly had nothing to do with, I knew you were self-sacrificingly empathetic.   
  
Really, Subaru-kun. You should get a medal for giving me the first problem I couldn't understand. I really can't stand disorder (you should see my apartment… hm… that could be fun… but I'm getting off subject), so it was supremely tempting to take some time to solve this question. What makes you empathize with someone else's pain?   
  
There's just _no benefits_ to your empathy. You take on significant burdens without reward, making yourself noticeably worse off. And for, maddeningly, no reason.   
  
It's illogical, Subaru-kun. I couldn't fathom it. So I asked you to teach me. Make me learn why you find it so important to care about someone you've never met, someone who doesn't matter to you.   
  
If you could make me care about you, of all people, your life was worth preserving. Such simple terms! I thought it was poetic genius on my part, a flash of insight of which I was quite proud. The most complex and interesting games are based on a few very simple rules.   
  
Perhaps it was a small bit of apprehension on my part that made me stir the sakura wind just then. And then block your memory. I couldn't have you blab to your grandmother and the current clan head, because that would have been suicide on my part, and quite illogical… But like any good thief, I left carefully chosen clues.   
  
Your pentagrams. Aren't they beautiful, bonding us together as long as we live? They were an afterthought, I'll admit, just an impulsive gesture, claiming you as mine…   
  
Yes, you do know that you're mine to do with as I like, and I think you actually appreciate that element in our relationship, don't you? You enjoy your being possessed as much as I do. And you do look very attractive in black silk (Hmm… lots of black silk… oh dear, I'm going off subject again). Ah yes, your black gloves. Black is such an appropriate color, don't you think?   
  
But I fear Hokuto would have violently disagreed with my fashion predilection. And it turns out we disagreed on more things than I anticipated, despite our seamless friendship. Did you know that she, like I, was your opposite? She was extraordinarily bubbly where you were sullen. She was vibrant where you were dark. Perhaps that's what drew me to her; we were both your opposites.   
  
However, when she asked for her own death… As both a friend and an enemy, I had to oblige her. I hope you can understand, Subaru-kun. I don't really expect you to.   
  
Actually, it's better for you to hate me. I hope you swear vengeance on your sister's life. It makes our preordained fates that much easier to accept. Fate is basically inescapable, and it's my opinion that we should face it with a certain acceptance. So much easier, don't you think, Subaru-kun?   
  
I fear you'll always be my Subaru-kun. Quite mine. I do wonder why I always chose to call you "Subaru-kun". It implies a kind of… affection… I wanted to culture between us. Now that I think about it, I don't think I could tolerate the possibility of your belonging to anyone else. Your smell, your body, your voice…   
  
Do you know how fragile you are? It's that fragility that makes me either want to either protect or destroy it.   
  
It makes me disconcerted, Subaru-kun.   
  
Almost as disconcerted as the thought that I may have lost my own bet. It's been increasingly difficult these past months. It was almost as if…   
  
I was constantly more anxious. I smoked more. I lost sleep, too. It was when I lost my appetite, and had to remind myself (aloud) to eat something before I wasted away that I remembered. I hadn't seen that strawberry-like blush of yours in months.   
  
Kill me now, I'm a hopeless romantic. But it was almost as if I were falling…   
  
So I started following you last week; your pentagrams are fantastic locators. I'd watch you when you did jobs, and finally followed you back to your apartment.   
  
(Stalking? Perhaps, but I prefer to call it 'watching over'. Hmm… semantics are amusing.)   
  
You've grown taller. Thinner, too. Your eyes have lost some of their cool edge. And when you sleep, you have nightmares.   
  
…You called out my name, last night.   
  
You called my name in a fit of passion I couldn't identify. And it sounded suspended between revulsion, anger, and… something else my brain supplied on its own. Probably my own wishful thinking. But it sounded just as it did in the hospital that day, outside my door.   
  
Three… four repetitions, and then it was swallowed in sobs, which were quickly and forcefully suppressed. Then silence.   
  
Oh dear. My words are getting blurry of their own accord. I wonder if I'd completely destroyed the Subaru-kun I once knew… Not like it wasn't my _right_ (you're still mine), but I liked having the option of preserving you, who was so delicate. Opportunity costs can be brutal.   
  
I feel like a child who's lost a favorite… stuffed penguin.   
  
Subaru-kun… what do you want?   
  
How can I ask that; I already know the answer. Obviously, you want to revenge your sister. The clever girl knew you better than even I did, and gave you a quick means to do so. All I'd have to do is try to eliminate you. Simple… so simple! The most complex game based on the simplest set of rules. (Really, Hokuto and I were the best of friends for good reason.)   
  
And letting me know about it put the ball in my hands. If I hated you, I'd just ignore you, and that would be pain enough. But if I didn't… and Hokuto knew full well what she was doing…   
  
Clever Hokuto.   
  
It's a way for me to seek forgiveness.   
  
I understand now.   
  
But will you be able to take on the responsibility of the title? Oh, of course you will. You'll be both of us, together, in one whole… Seamless. Once you're finished with me, it won't be a problem to fulfill the requirements.   
  
You always did want to prove yourself. So, let me give you the chance. Revenge is the true equalizer, isn't it? It's what you want, and it's what I need.   
  
I just pray (I've made) you hate me enough for this to work.   
  
  
More Sincere than I've Ever Been,   
Seishirou-san 


	2. Dear Seishirou

**Series:** Tokyo Babylon (you could've guessed ^^)   
**Rating:** PG-ish   
**Warnings:** _evil stream of consciousness_, point of view, angry and angsty Subaru. owie owie.   
**Disclaimer:** I don't own any part of Tokyo Babylon, and that includes Subaru's mind... He just lent it to me for a few hours while I wrote this. Nice guy.   
**Notes:** Cliched? Yeah... Pretty much. I tried to give it new ideas to balance out the cliche'd-ness. Not part of the "WDMC" arc, simply because I don't have the time/energy/resources to work on it at the moment... This is part one of two, roughtly two years after the end of the bet. The next section will be Sei's POV.   
  
  
  
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Dear Seishirou-san,   
  
You're always such a bastard.   
  
That's right. 'Cute Subaru-kun' called you a bastard. A long time ago (just two years?) I would have revolted at the thought. And maybe I still do, a little bit. But the nice, respectful, meek little me would have found a nicer word to call you than 'bastard'.   
  
Something like 'admirable', perhaps, because you were everything I wanted to be. You helped heal fuzzy defenseless animals. You were sweet, caring, and had a soft side for penguins, just like I did. PENGUINS. You thought I didn't see you, but I watched you talk to them. Or maybe you knew I was there, and you talked to them anyway. …But it was the penguins that sold me. And your soup. Damn the soup you made when I came rain-soaked to your apartment, and you let me curl up against your warm chest and cry out my pain until I fell asleep wrapped in your arms.   
  
Damn soup.   
Damn penguins.   
  
I needed a _father_.   
  
Grandmother was guiding me in my duties to the clan, and Hokuto… geez, Hokuto was determined to educate me in the ways of style… But there was this gaping hole no one could see but you – the hole where I needed someone to be a father.   
  
My father.   
  
That's why I always, always called you "-san." And I liked to believe that you somehow knew what I was thinking, and were there to fulfill my wish… What I needed. I needed Seishirou, the veterinarian.   
  
Yes, I'll admit I was lonely without you there… I felt the love a son feels. Respect mixed with a little fear and blind devotion. …No, that's not it. It was more complicated than those words, a pathetic recipe. No… You were my Seishirou-san.   
  
Hokuto had me believe that my admiration was of a more… romantic nature. That's the scandal-lover in her. She liked a spectacle, and I expect she thrilled in the attention the pair of us would have made.   
  
Especially as a Sumeragi and Sakurazuka.   
  
Forbidden, in so many ways… because we were both male, because we were of opposing families. She liked the Romeo and Juliet flavor it had.   
  
Did she forget how the play ended? Most people do.   
  
It's a tragedy, where the two lovers die because they opposed their families, isn't it?   
  
Juliet slipped into a self-induced coma, and Romeo spilled blood of an innocent before disappearing into the night… And when Juliet awoke, she found nothing but death. I'm dead because I trusted you. And Seishirou-san the veterinarian is dead because he never existed. It was doomed from the start. We're both doomed to die.   
  
So why am I still here? I was supposed to die in the finale… instead you killed her. You didn't kill me. You left me!   
  
LEFT me.   
  
I'm half of the whole that Hokuto and I made up, together. I've never been apart from her for more than a few minutes, in my entire life. Is it selfish of me to wish I'd been killed instead of her? I wouldn't have to deal with this if I were dead. But she would.   
  
She deserves it.   
  
Strike that. She never deserved anything like that.   
  
...But she did get me into this mess. She pushed us together, and now she's off in spirit-land where nothing you do has consequences. Poetically, it would have been more just if you'd killed me. Not her.   
  
Do you still want to kill me? After all, I did lose your twisted bet.   
  
…You don't love me.   
  
I'm so stupid. I actually believed you when you said it all of those times. When I blushed and stammered… but I believed you, as a child believes. You said you loved me. I did, in fact, love you. I realized it at the hospital. You're the only person in this world for me.   
  
I'm choking on tears I refuse to shed. But I'll write it again.   
I love. You.   
  
Ai, Koi, Amour, Romance, Obsession, Infatuation, whatever you want to call it - I have it. And it's driving me crazy. I want to be with you, I want you to hold me. I want you to be with me. …And I think I even want you to _kiss_ me. I thought it was a disgusting, silly thing before. Lips to lips, why would anyone chose to do that? Voluntarily? It's unsanitary. And between men? It's just weird. But if they were your lips, it wouldn't matter. ...I hope Hokuto never reads this.   
  
No, she _can't_, can she? She's dead. Gone. I'll never hear her tease me again. She'll never squeal and giggle when I blush, or chastise me for being too polite as a Sumeragi. _You_ took that away from me.   
  
What would I call you now? The worst things I can call you are basic descriptions.   
  
'Murderer'.   
  
'Liar'.   
  
'Heartless bastard'.   
  
They're all _true_, damn it, so none of those is strong enough.   
  
So…What am I supposed to do now? You took it all away from me, and now I'm nobody. Nobody, but maybe I was nobody to begin with. Just a half... Half of a set of identical twins, half of an pair of clan rivals. Those two halves made me who I was.   
  
I could have lived without Hokuto. I could have lived with out you. But without both of you, I'm just a shell of a person.   
  
And here I thought you loved me. I thought you were sexy. You thought I was beautiful. I was precious to you, or so I thought.   
  
Only as precious as a fine glass vase?   
  
And carelessly broken, of no further use, only fit to be disposed of. I hope my shards are sharp enough to cut your fingers as you try to throw me out.   
  
Yes, Seishirou-san. I've resolved to kill you. Does that surprise you any? I'll prove to you that I'm able to kill. I'll MAKE you understand the physical pain in my chest, you emotionless bastard. Even if I have to do it physically.   
  
No, that's a lie…   
  
I couldn't kill you after all. One look into the pearl eye and I would fall in love with you all over again. I'm such a pathetic, emotional uke. I'd probably cry if I saw you hurt once again because of me. No.   
  
So I guess there's really only one way this can go. There's only one ending to a story, and you know it as well as I. It's poetic. It's fair. And I'm ready.   
  
So when will it end, Seishirou-san?   
  
Will it be soon, or am I supposed to wait five years until our personal conflict gets pulled into the larger, global whole? Any excuse is fine. You don't have to wait until 1999 to end this. I wish it were over, because it ended so long ago…   
  
But you're such a _bastard_ and I never get what I want from you. Why do I have any reason to expect you'll just let me die? Knowing you, you'd probably deny that of me as well. I never get what I want from you.   
  
My heart hurts, and I wish you'd make it stop.   
  
Bastard.   
  
You'll make me wait, won't you.   
  
  
Yours, forever.   
Subaru


End file.
